I broke 140 today! 139lbs ftw. I feel like I shouldn't be stepping on the scale every day, but it does allow me to track my progress and everything. That's almost ten pounds down just by being conscious of what I'm eating and when. Of course, there's still TONS of room for improvement, but I'm pretty stoked at the progress so far.

A Note About Life After Eating Disorders

The body never forgets.

I was eighteen years old and weighed just shy of 100lbs. In a life that seemed to be spinning rapidly more and more out of control, I needed something that I could control, and the food I ate (or didn't) was that thing. So I didn't. 

Now, my body remembers starving with a fear that runs deep in my bones. When I have to leave the house for long periods of time I'm constantly thinking and worrying about what I will eat and when, I pack far too much food for a day, and I worry. Working a five hour shift? Panic and gorge before hand. 

The slightest pang of hunger was cause for incredible stress to my mind and my body as a result I'm sure. 

Overcoming this fear is a long and slow process, but the beginnings of it are in place now. I still eat before a shift, but a lighter meal of healthy food instead of a burger and fries from the food court (which is oh so conveniently located right in front of the store I work at). 

A Note About Beginnings

Beginning is scary.

It is. I could look in the mirror and do a double take because I'm not sure how I got to be the person in the reflection without noticing. (Well, I know how I got here. I just don't know how I didn't notice).

To say that the last few years have been tumultuous would be an understatement. They're filled with some of my highest highs and definitely contain my lowest lows. It's taken me a long time to reach the point where I want to become healthier, and I won't lie, a lot of the time I just plain don't care enough about myself to try.

But this is a beginning and in it I am going to rewrite myself some good habits, like sleeping at night, and eating my vegetables (and eating, period), and only kissing boys whose names I know (Well. Most of the time), and only drinking too much out of revelry, not sorrow.

It seems like a pretty daunting task when I look at it all together, but as the saying goes, "one step at a time" and as my mum says, "one pound at a time" so here we go (:

I was bad yesterday... had sushi for lunch, and chinese for dinner (mmmmmm...) but was only up by half a pound so if I behave today I should be back on the right track.

So far so good. I had an apple and some pumpkin... stuff (pumpkin with cream cheese and low fat yogurt, tastes kind of like cheesecake and is oh so delicious, but full of protein and fibre and other good stuff) that I don't know the name of for breakfast. Lunch is going to be lentil pastry filling (leftovers are my friend!) in a whole wheat tortilla with some lettuce and a big glass of water because I'm really really bad at drinking enough water!

Dinner is pot roast with yorkshire pudding and dilled carrots... I'll restrain myself and only have one yorkshire pudding. After all... they are one of my favorites. (:

This is not a new years resolution.

It's a life time of bad habits and self destruction that I am trying to turn around into a journey towards better health.

Join me?